Are You Actually Trying to Heal… or Secretly Hoping They Come Back?

Let’s be totally honest for a second, you deserve it.

Breakups are messy. Not just emotionally—but mentally too. One minute you’re telling yourself “I’m moving on. I deserve better.” The next minute you’re staring at your phone thinking, “If they texted me right now… would I respond?”

And if you’ve been in this place, you’re not alone.

As a breakup therapist—and honestly, as a human who has gone through heartbreak myself—I see this all the time with clients. This weird in-between space where part of you is trying to heal… but another part of you is still quietly hoping they come back.

And that push-pull feeling? It can be really confusing.

You might even judge yourself for it.

But here’s the truth: this is an incredibly common stage of breakup healing.

Your brain and your attachment system don’t just detach overnight.

Why This Feeling Happens

When you’ve been emotionally connected to someone, your nervous system gets used to them being part of your life.

Your brain has built routines around them:

• texting them when something funny happens

• sharing your day

• leaning on them for comfort

• imagining a future together

So when the relationship ends, your system doesn’t immediately switch to “cool, we’re done.”

Instead, it often enters this strange phase where:

• You’re grieving what you lost

• You’re trying to accept the breakup

• But a part of you still hopes the story isn’t over

That hopeful part of you isn’t stupid. It’s not weak either.

It’s just attachment.

And attachment doesn’t disappear overnight.

A Question I Often Ask Clients

When someone is feeling stuck after a breakup, I sometimes ask them this:

“Are you trying to heal… or are you secretly waiting for them to come back?”

Not in a judgmental way. Just as a moment of honesty.

Because those two mindsets lead to very different healing paths.

If part of you is still waiting for them, your brain stays on alert mode:

• checking their social media

• analyzing old conversations

• wondering if they regret the breakup

• imagining the moment they reach out

Your energy stays tied to them.

But when you start shifting toward healing—even slowly—your focus begins turning back toward your life, your growth, and your future.

That shift doesn’t happen all at once. It happens through awareness.

A Few Reflection Questions

If you’re in this confusing in-between stage, these questions can help you explore where you are emotionally.

You don’t have to answer them perfectly—just notice what comes up.

1. If they reached out today, what part of me would want to respond — love, loneliness, or relief from the pain?

Sometimes we think we want them, but what we actually want is for the heartbreak to stop.

2. Am I missing who they truly were… or the version of the relationship I hoped they would become?

This one is big. Many people are grieving the potential of the relationship, not just the reality of it.

3. Do I spend more time imagining them coming back… or imagining the life I want to build without them?

Your thoughts often reveal where your emotional energy is still invested.

4. What feelings come up when I picture them moving on with someone else?

Jealousy, sadness, anger—these are all normal. But noticing them can give insight into what parts of the attachment are still active.

5. If they never came back, what would healing look like for me anyway?

This question can feel scary, but it’s also powerful. Because your life—and your happiness—doesn’t have to stay paused waiting for someone else’s decision.

The Truth About Detaching

Detaching after a breakup is rarely a clean break emotionally.

Most people move through phases like:

• hoping they’ll come back

• feeling angry or hurt

• trying to understand what happened

• slowly reconnecting with themselves

And sometimes you cycle through those phases more than once.

That’s normal.

Healing doesn’t mean you never think about them again. It means their presence (or absence) stops controlling your emotional world.

And that shift takes time.

If You’re Struggling With a Breakup

If you’re stuck in the “I want to move on… but I still hope they come back” phase, therapy can really help you untangle those feelings.

Breakups often bring up deeper things too—attachment wounds, self-worth questions, patterns in relationships, and unresolved grief.

I work with clients using breakup therapy to help them:

• process heartbreak in a healthy way

• understand their attachment patterns

• calm the nervous system after relationship loss

• rebuild confidence and emotional security

• and eventually feel open to love again

I work with clients virtually across California who are navigating breakups, relationship grief, and attachment struggles.