The Breakup Trigger Tool You’ve Never Heard Of (But Desperately Need)
Breakups hurt. Not just in the moment, but in the days, weeks, and even months afterward. You think you’re doing fine—and then out of nowhere, a wave of emotion hits. A song. A photo. Passing by the restaurant where you had your first date. A random text. Suddenly, you’re back in the pain, flooded with sadness, longing, or anxiety.
These kinds of post-breakup triggers are incredibly common. They can feel overwhelming and confusing—like you’re stuck in a loop you can’t quite get out of. This is where the FLASH technique, a gentle method rooted in EMDR therapy, can be a game-changer.
I often use FLASH with clients who are feeling emotionally raw after a breakup but aren’t ready (or willing) to dive deep into the pain just yet. It offers relief without retraumatization—and yes, it’s backed by neuroscience.
What Is FLASH?
FLASH is a relatively new but highly effective technique that evolved from EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). Unlike traditional EMDR, which involves revisiting distressing memories directly, FLASH allows us to work around the pain rather than through it—at least at first.
Here's how it works:
You briefly bring a trigger or memory to mind (just for a second—no deep dive).
Then, we shift your attention to something neutral or positive—like your dog playing, the feeling of sun on your skin, or a silly TikTok video that makes you laugh.
While you're focused on that positive or calming image, we use bilateral stimulation (eye movements, tapping, or sound tones) to help your brain reprocess the original trigger in the background.
The result? That emotional sting—whether it's heartbreak, rejection, or shame—gets softened. Sometimes dramatically so.
The Science Behind FLASH: Why It Works
What’s so powerful about FLASH is that it taps into how our nervous system stores emotional experiences. After a breakup, the brain can treat certain memories—like that last fight or the moment you saw your ex with someone new—like a threat. These moments get stuck in the emotional part of the brain (the amygdala), without being properly integrated by the logical, grounded part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex).
FLASH helps shift that.
By briefly activating the distressing memory and then focusing on something positive, FLASH allows the brain to reprocess the stuck memory without flooding you. According to research by Dr. Philip Manfield and others who developed the technique, this process appears to “de-link” the emotional distress from the memory—allowing the brain to complete what it couldn’t finish in the moment of pain.
In other words, FLASH uses the brain's natural healing mechanisms to rewire the emotional charge around painful memories, without the need to retell or relive the whole story.
Studies and clinical trials have shown FLASH to be effective in reducing symptoms of PTSD, anxiety, and distress from painful memories—including those related to loss, rejection, and trauma. Clients often report significant relief in just a few sessions.
How I Use FLASH After a Breakup
Let’s say you’re doing your best to move on—but you can’t seem to shake that hollow, sick feeling when you see your ex’s name pop up on social media. Or maybe you’re trying to date again, but your nervous system goes into panic mode every time things start to feel close or intimate.
This is exactly where FLASH comes in.
In our sessions, we’d:
Identify the specific moment that still feels triggering—like the breakup conversation, or a memory of being dismissed or ignored.
Use FLASH to “turn down the volume” on that memory by shifting your focus to something emotionally safe or positive while applying bilateral stimulation.
Check in afterward—and most of the time, clients report that the trigger no longer has the same emotional intensity. It might still be there, but it’s quieter, more distant, and easier to manage.
Over time, we repeat this process with other triggers—clearing space for calm, clarity, and even a sense of empowerment.
Why Clients Love FLASH
So many of my clients say things like:
“I can’t believe I don’t feel that intense reaction anymore.”
“I’ve tried talk therapy before, but this was different—it actually helped my body feel calmer.”
“I didn’t have to talk about the whole breakup in detail. I felt safe.”
That’s the beauty of FLASH. It doesn’t require you to relive the worst parts of your relationship. Instead, it honors your nervous system’s need for safety while still doing the work of healing.
FLASH is especially helpful if:
You feel stuck in obsessive thoughts about your ex.
You’re avoiding places or activities because they remind you of them.
You feel physically sick or emotionally overwhelmed by memories.
You want to heal without reopening old wounds over and over.
Healing Is Possible—Even If It Doesn’t Feel Like It Yet
Breakups are a form of grief—and grief takes time. But you don’t have to stay stuck in the cycle of pain, panic, or hopelessness. FLASH is just one of the many tools I use to help clients reclaim their peace and confidence after heartbreak.
When we work together, we focus on creating safety, fostering resilience, and clearing space for the love and life you deserve moving forward.
You are not too broken, too emotional, or too far gone. You’re human—and you’re allowed to heal in ways that feel good, safe, and empowering.
If you’re curious about how FLASH might help you in your breakup healing journey, feel free to reach out or book a free 15 minute call. I’d be honored to support you.
Hi! I’m Nicole, Licensed Therapist in California.
I specialize in relationship problems, breakups, and trauma. I use a strategic approach, combining EMDR and IFS to help bring some peace and safe connection to your relationships.
