Top 10 Reasons You’re Still Stuck After a Breakup (From a Breakup Therapist in Long Beach)

If you’ve been wondering “Why am I still not over them?” — you’re not alone. I’ve worked with many clients who feel like they should be moving on but can’t seem to. The truth is, healing after a breakup is rarely just about time passing — it’s about what you do with that time.

Here are 10 patterns I see most often in people who feel stuck after a breakup — and maybe you’ll recognize a few in yourself, too.

1. You’re avoiding feeling more.

This one can be tricky, because it’s not that you aren’t feeling anything — you probably are. You might be sitting in sadness, depression, or numbness and think, “I’m already feeling too much.” But often, what’s really happening is that you’re avoiding going deeper — the pain underneath the pain. Facing the grief, rejection, or old wounds that the breakup stirred up can feel terrifying. So instead, you stay in a kind of emotional limbo — not fully healing, but not fully disconnected either. The hard truth is: you can’t move through what you won’t allow yourself to feel.

2. You haven’t done the deeper healing.

Many people stop at “talking about it” and avoid trauma-focused work like EMDR or inner child healing. It’s common for clients to start EMDR and then realize it’s going to take several sessions to work through a target — and that’s often the point where things derail. The work feels big, and it’s tempting to step back before you reach the other side. But my biggest encouragement is: try to stick with it. See one EMDR target through until you feel that relief in your body — it’s so worth it. That’s usually the moment people finally feel a real shift instead of just managing the pain.

3. You’re still connected to your ex.

Even small connections — checking their profile, being in the same social circle, rereading texts — keep your nervous system on alert. It’s like reopening the wound every day. True healing often starts when you set a clean break and give yourself the space to detach.

4. You’re stuck in the victim story.

Yes, you were hurt. And yes, what happened was so hurtful and unfair. But staying in the narrative of “They did this to me” keeps you powerless. Healing means shifting from “Why did this happen to me?” to “What do I want to learn and do differently next time?” This is the shift that will have you moving forward and not stuck in the past.

5. You’re being unkind to yourself.

The breakup might have activated your inner critic — the voice that says, “You weren’t enough,” or “No one will ever love you like that again.” One I hear often is, “I was discarded.” And it honestly breaks my heart every time, because it’s such a painful way to see yourself — as something thrown away, instead of someone who gave deeply and deserved to be treated with care.
Part of healing is catching that unkind voice when it shows up and gently reminding yourself: You weren’t discarded. You’re healing. You are still worthy of love, tenderness, and safety — starting with how you speak to yourself.

6. You’re struggling with self-esteem.

If your sense of worth was tied to the relationship, losing it can feel like losing yourself. Part of breakup recovery is remembering who you were before them — and learning to value yourself beyond who you’re with.

7. You’re not choosing yourself.

You might be overanalyzing your ex’s feelings, scrolling their social media, or fantasizing about reconciliation — all of which keeps the focus on them.

I encourage you to ask yourself this question: Is this thing that I’m doing/thinking HEALING? or TORTURE?

Torture means self-abandonment and healing means redirecting that energy back to you — your needs, your growth, your peace.

8. You haven’t grieved all the layers of the loss.

Breakups aren’t just the loss of a person — they’re the loss of a future (marriage, children, holidays, plans), of routines, of identity. The more you dreamed with them — the plans, the what-ifs, the life you imagined — the more layers of grief there will be. Each one deserves space. Please don’t put a timeframe on your healing. Grief has its own rhythm; it comes and goes in waves. The goal isn’t to “get over it” — it’s to learn how to move with it until it softens.

9. You haven’t looked at the pattern.

Many of us repeat similar relationship dynamics — chasing emotional unavailability, ignoring red flags, or overgiving to earn love. Getting curious about your patterns and the part you played (without shame) helps you break the cycle rather than relive it. And the truth is sometimes you can do everything “right”, and still ends in heartbreak, and in that case it was nothing about you.

10. You’re healing alone.

Breakup pain can make you isolate, but healing thrives in connection — with friends, community, or a therapist who can help you make sense of what happened and rebuild safely.

💛 The takeaway:
Getting unstuck isn’t about forgetting them — it’s about remembering you. When you start feeling your emotions, doing the deeper work, and choosing yourself daily, the breakup starts losing its hold — and you begin coming home to yourself again.

If you’re ready to work through your heartbreak with support, I offer EMDR therapy in Long Beach and breakup support in Los Angeles. Healing after a breakup doesn’t have to be something you do alone — you can take the next step and feel relief, hope, and empowerment again.

Hi! I’m Nicole, Licensed Therapist in Long Beach, CA.

I specialize in EMDR, trauma, attachment, and general relationship problems.

If you are looking for a unique activity that moves you towards healing, then join me for my next monthly Baking Workshop!