When Love Feels Like Anxiety: Recognizing the Red Flag Cycle and Finding Your Strength
If you’ve ever found yourself in a relationship where your heart races more from worry than joy, you’re not alone. Many of my clients describe a pattern that looks something like this: they notice red flags, brush them aside, and end up caught in a cycle where they’re the one carrying the weight. The result? A push-and-pull dynamic filled with anxiety.
And often, the reason people stay is understandable. You might tell yourself:
“They’re the one.”
“I love them so much.”
“I don’t see myself with anyone else.”
“I can’t imagine dating again.”
These feelings are real. But they can also trap you in a cycle that erodes your peace. Let’s talk about what these patterns look like—and what you can do to begin finding solid ground, even if you’re not ready (or able) to leave.
The Red Flag Cycle in Action
Here are three examples of what this cycle might look like:
Case 1: The Apology Loop
You bring up something that hurt you—maybe they ignored your calls or snapped at you. They minimize it or flip it back on you. Eventually, they apologize just enough to smooth things over. You forgive, but the behavior repeats. Over time, you start second-guessing your needs and tolerating behavior that doesn’t sit right.
Case 2: The “Almost Enough” Partner
They give you just enough—texting back after hours of silence, planning a date once in a while, or saying “I love you” when you’re on the verge of leaving. Those crumbs keep your hope alive, even though deep down you’re starving for consistency.
Case 3: The Push-and-Pull Dance
When you pull away, they chase you. When you move closer, they withdraw. This constant hot-and-cold leaves you in a state of anxious overdrive, always wondering: Where do I stand? Do they even want me?
Why It Feels So Hard to Leave
Love isn’t logical. Attachment bonds run deep, especially when sprinkled with moments of tenderness, passion, or shared history. The brain clings to the highs and minimizes the lows—sometimes called the “highlight reel effect.” That’s why the thought of walking away feels impossible, even when your body is screaming with stress.
Five Ways to Strengthen Yourself (Even If You Stay)
If you can’t leave right now, here are five things you can begin practicing to regain a sense of stability and strength:
1. Anchor in Reality, Not Fantasy
Write down the behaviors that actually happen—good and bad. This keeps you from only replaying the highlight reel when you’re tempted to romanticize.
2. Strengthen Your Self-Trust
Practice making small, daily choices that honor you—what to eat, how to spend your time, when to rest. The more you trust your own voice in the small things, the louder it gets in the big things.
3. Build a Life Outside the Relationship
Reconnect with friends, hobbies, and passions that remind you of who you are outside of “us.” When your world is bigger, your relationship stops feeling like your only oxygen source.
4. Regulate Your Anxiety
Anxiety thrives on uncertainty. Try grounding practices like deep breathing, journaling, or visualizations of a safe place. Teach your nervous system it doesn’t have to stay on high alert 24/7.
5. Shift from “Fixing Them” to “Supporting You”
Instead of asking, “How can I make them change?” try asking, “How can I support myself right now?” This subtle shift moves the power back into your hands.
Final Note
You don’t have to have it all figured out today. Maybe you’re not ready to leave, and that’s okay. But you can still take steps to strengthen yourself, soothe your anxiety, and reconnect with your worth.
And here’s the truth: someone who’s truly “the one” won’t make you feel like you’re losing yourself.
Hi! I’m Nicole, Licensed Therapist in Long Beach, California.
If you’re tired of the same patterns and being hurt in your relationships, let down, and not met where you want to be met, then let’s work together to do the deeper healing that you’ve needed your whole life!
