Why You Can’t End Your Relationship (Even Though You Know You NEED To)
I know you’ve probably told yourselves countless of times- “I need to end this” or maybe “I can’t continue with someone like this”.
Maybe this decision has been keeping you awake at night, heart racing, stomach churning, thinking, or might even be coming up in your dreams.
But every time you imagine ending it, you continue trying again, hoping the the problems will magically get fixed. Or you might find yourself feeling flooded with fear, guilt, or unbearable sadness. You wonder, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just walk away?”
If you’re stuck in a relationship that you know—deep down—isn’t healthy for you, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken. There are real, powerful reasons rooted in your attachment history, inner protective parts, and trauma responses that might be keeping you from making that final move.
Let’s break it down.
Your Attachment System Is Wired for Connection—Even When It Hurts
As an attachment therapist in Long Beach, California, I see this often: people struggling to leave relationships not because they’re weak or naïve, but because their nervous system is wired to hold on.
If you grew up in a household where love was inconsistent, conditional, or unpredictable, your attachment system might equate emotional disconnection with danger. Even in a painful relationship, staying may feel safer to your body than the unknown of leaving.
Anxious attachment, for example, often sounds like:
“What if I never find anyone else?”
“Maybe I’m the problem.”
“I can’t bear to hurt them.”
“Maybe things can change.”
Avoidant attachment may keep you physically present but emotionally withdrawn—stuck in limbo between not wanting to be close, but terrified to be alone.
IFS: When Parts of You Are at War
Using a therapy I personally love called Internal Family Systems (IFS), we can understand this conflict as a battle between different parts of you.
There’s the part that thinks you might deserve better.
There’s the part that’s tired, depleted, and done.
But there’s also a part that clings tightly—terrified of being alone, rejected, or making the “wrong” decision.
These parts all have valid reasons for existing. In IFS, we learn to meet them with compassion, not shame. You’re not indecisive—you’re protecting yourself in the best way you know how. Healing means helping these parts unburden the pain they carry, so you can move forward in alignment with your core Self.
EMDR Therapy: Healing the Trauma That Keeps You Stuck
Often, there are past experiences driving the fear of ending a relationship. Moments where you felt unloved, abandoned, or powerless. Your brain stores those memories—and when you're faced with the possibility of breaking up, they flood your system.
That’s where EMDR therapy comes in. As an EMDR therapist in Long Beach, I help clients reprocess painful memories that are still “stuck” in the nervous system. EMDR can help you:
Desensitize the fear response around being alone
Reprocess attachment wounds from childhood
Develop a felt sense of safety and worthiness
After EMDR, many clients say the emotional charge is gone. What once felt unbearable now feels manageable. They feel clearer, more empowered, and more grounded in their decisions.
You’re Not Broken—You’re Just Human (and Deserving of Healing)
You don’t have to force yourself to “just get over it.” That rarely works. Real healing comes from understanding why it’s so hard to leave—and gently tending to the parts of you that are scared.
If you’re looking for therapy in Long Beach to help you untangle your relationship patterns, I’m here for you. Whether you’re interested in EMDR therapy, want to explore your inner world with IFS, or need support from an attachment therapist, I offer compassionate, personalized care to help you heal and move forward.
Ready to feel more clarity and confidence in your relationships?
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation or learn more about EMDR therapy in Long Beach.
You deserve to feel loved, safe, and whole—whether in a relationship or on your own.
