Why You Keep Getting Stuck in Unhealthy Relationship Patterns (and What a Magical Kitchen Has to Do With It)
Like who doesn’t crave a love that feels deep, steady, soul-nourishing? The kind where you feel safe, seen, and chosen without having to perform or beg for it.
But for so many of us, when we try to create that kind of love, something just keeps getting in the way. We end up in situationships, chasing crumbs, questioning our worth, or giving way too much to people who give way too little in return.
If this hits home, I want to introduce you to a metaphor I love using with clients: The Magical Kitchen. It’s from Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Mastery of Love, and honestly—it’s kind of a game changer. my favorite book ever :)
So... what’s the Magical Kitchen?
Imagine this: you have a magical kitchen in your house. In it, you can make any food you want, any time, as much as you want. You’re full, satisfied, and nourished. You’ve got snacks, comfort meals, fancy desserts—you’re set.
Now picture someone coming to your door with a pizza and saying, “Hey, I’ll give you a slice if you do exactly what I want and love me the way I need.”
You’d probably be like, “I’m good, thanks. I already have everything I need.”
But now imagine you’ve been starving. You haven’t eaten in days. Someone shows up with that same pizza and suddenly… you’re saying yes to things you wouldn’t normally agree to. You're ignoring red flags, abandoning your needs, and doing whatever it takes to keep that pizza coming. Not because it’s good pizza—but because you’re hungry.
How this shows up in relationships
This metaphor explains why we sometimes stay in relationships where we feel small, anxious, or unappreciated. If your emotional kitchen has been understocked—if you grew up feeling like love was something you had to earn, or never quite enough—it makes so much sense that you’d cling to anything that feels like love, even if it comes with strings.
I see this all the time in therapy. Clients say things like:
“I’m a good person, I do so much for others, but I just feel unappreciated.”
“Why do I always end up giving more than I get?”
“I knew they weren’t good for me, but I couldn’t let go.”
“I just wanted to feel chosen.”
And I get it. When we haven’t felt full emotionally, we will grab anything that looks like love—attention, validation, bare-minimum effort. It doesn’t mean we’re broken. It just means we’re hungry.
Rebuilding your magical kitchen
The good news? You can rebuild your kitchen. You can learn how to feel whole, worthy, and deeply loved from the inside out.
This might look like:
Getting clear on where your hunger started—what shaped your beliefs about love and worthiness
Reparenting those younger parts of you that still feel like they have to earn love
Practicing boundaries that protect your energy instead of draining it
Learning to meet your own emotional needs so love becomes a gift, not a survival need
When you’re full, you stop chasing crumbs. You become way more discerning about who gets access to your heart. You give love from a place of abundance, not desperation.
Final thoughts
If you’re tired of the same old patterns and wondering, “Why do I keep ending up here?”—you’re not alone. And there’s nothing wrong with you. You're probably just hungry in a way no relationship can fix.
The work isn’t about settling for less or pretending you don’t want love. It’s about coming home to yourself so you can choose love from a place of fullness—not fear.
Let’s get you back in that magical kitchen. You deserve a feast, not crumbs.
Hi! I’m Nicole, Licensed Therapist in California.
With more than 10 years of experience I have mastered the most effective techniques to help you get the relationships of your dreams. I use a blend of EMDR, Attachment Theory & Internal Family Systems, and teach you relationship skills.
