How Do I Start Over After a Breakup at 35 When I Still Want Marriage and Kids?
Ok so there are breakups... and then there are breakups in your 30s. ugh. (been there, done that)
The kind where you're not just grieving the relationship, you might also be grieving the future you imagined.
The wedding.
The children.
The timeline you thought your life would follow.
If you're 35+, recently experienced a breakup, and find yourself wondering, "Did I miss my chance?" or "What if I'm alone forever?"-I want you to know you're not the only one asking those questions!!
As a breakup therapist, I work with many people navigating this exact stage of life. While everyone's story is different, the emotions are often surprisingly similar: heartbreak, panic, shame, loneliness, and grief around being single when you thought you'd already be building a family.
The good news?
This chapter doesn't have to define the rest of your life.
1. Find a Therapist Who Understands This Specific Kind of Grief
Not every therapist specializes in breakups, attachment wounds, or dating in your 30s and 40s.
When you're rebuilding your life after a breakup, it helps to work with someone who understands that you're grieving more than just a relationship.
You're grieving:
The future you pictured.
The family you hoped to have.
The years you invested.
The identity you built around being part of a couple.
Working with a breakup therapist can help you process those losses while also identifying the patterns that may have shown up in your relationships.
As an EMDR therapist in Long Beach, I often help clients move beyond simply talking about the breakup. Together we work on the attachment wounds, nervous system responses, and old experiences that continue to influence dating, relationships, and self-worth.
Healing isn't about pretending the breakup didn't hurt.
It's about making sure it doesn't continue running your life.
2. Use This Time for Honest Self-Reflection…Not Self-Blame
Breakups have a way of shining a spotlight on our deepest insecurities.
Suddenly thoughts like these appear:
"Maybe I'm too much."
"Maybe I'm not enough."
"Maybe this always happens to me."
"Maybe I'll never find someone."
Those thoughts deserve curiosity—not immediate belief.
This is an opportunity to ask yourself questions like:
Where did I abandon my own needs?
What red flags did I minimize?
Did I confuse chemistry with compatibility?
Was I trying to earn love instead of receive it?
What kind of relationship do I actually want now?
Reflection helps you grow.
Self-blame keeps you stuck.
There's an important difference.
3. Build a Life That Feels Good…Even Before You Meet Your Person
One of the biggest fears around being alone after a breakup is believing that life is on hold until another relationship begins.
It isn't.
This season can become one of the richest periods of your life if you intentionally create joy outside of dating.
Ask yourself:
What hobbies have I neglected?
What trips have I been waiting to take?
What friendships deserve more attention?
What parts of myself disappeared inside my relationship?
You don't have to love being single every day.
But you deserve to build a life that still feels meaningful while you're in this chapter.
That might include:
Investing in your career.
Joining hobby groups.
Traveling.
Volunteering.
Trying something completely new.
Finding friends who are also navigating single life in their 30s and 40s.
The goal isn't to distract yourself.
The goal is to remember that your life is still happening.
4. Challenge the Old Beliefs You've Been Carrying
Many of us are walking around with beliefs we never consciously chose.
They came from our families.
Our culture.
Past relationships.
Social media.
Painful experiences.
Some common beliefs I hear include:
"I'm running out of time."
"Everyone else has it figured out."
"Being single means I failed."
"No one will want me at this age."
"If I don't have kids soon, my life won't matter."
"I'm too much."
"I'm not lovable."
These beliefs often create more suffering than the breakup itself.
Instead of asking, "Is this thought true?"
Try asking,
"Where did I learn this?"
Once we understand where these beliefs came from, we can begin replacing them with beliefs that are actually grounded in reality instead of fear.
Healing Is About More Than Moving On
Healing isn't about getting over your ex as quickly as possible.
It's about becoming someone who trusts themselves again.
Someone who can recognize healthy love.
Someone who believes they deserve it.
Someone who can tolerate uncertainty without abandoning themselves.
If you're experiencing grief around being single, know that grief is a normal response to losing a future you deeply wanted.
It deserves compassion—not criticism.
You don't have to rush yourself.
You don't have to "think positive."
You don't have to pretend you're okay when you're not.
You simply have to keep taking the next step.
And eventually, one day, you'll notice you're no longer just surviving the breakup.
You're building a life that's strong enough to hold whatever comes next.
Looking for a Breakup Therapist?
If you're navigating a breakup in your 30s, struggling with fears around being alone after a breakup, or feeling overwhelmed by the grief around being single, therapy can help.
I specialize in working with adults healing from breakups, attachment wounds, relationship trauma, and dating after heartbreak. Using attachment-focused therapy, EMDR, parts work, and nervous system-informed approaches, we'll work together to help you heal—not just from this relationship, but from the patterns that keep getting in the way of the love you want.
If you're looking for an EMDR therapist in Long Beach or anywhere in California through virtual therapy, I'd love to support you on your healing journey.
Hi! I’m Nicole, Licensed Therapist in Long Beach
Some of my specialties include:
Depression/Anxiety related to relationships
Breakups
Trauma
Attachment Work
