How to Access Confidence and Calm After a Breakup—Especially When You Might Run into Your Ex
So, you’ve RSVP’d to that event — maybe it’s a mutual friend’s birthday, a local market, or a community gathering you both used to go to. And now the anxiety is creeping in.
“What if they’re there?”
“What if I have to talk to them?”
“What if I freeze up?”
“What if I look like a mess and they’ve moved on?”
First, take a breath. These worries are so normal. Post-breakup events can feel like emotional landmines, but you don’t have to walk in feeling like a wreck. With the right tools, you can access confidence, calm, and even a sense of power.
Here’s how:
1. Plan Ahead — Don’t Panic Ahead
Uncertainty creates anxiety. So instead of spiraling, give your nervous system something solid to hold onto.
Decide what you’ll wear — something you feel good in, not something to impress them.
Choose an arrival time and an exit plan. Give yourself permission to leave early if you need to.
Tell a friend you trust that you might need support before or after the event.
This is your experience — take your power back by making decisions that serve you.
2. Tap into Your Confident Self Before You Arrive
It’s hard to feel grounded if your body is still in panic mode. Try this 1-minute grounding practice before walking into the event:
Make a confident pose, stand up straight, chest open, imagine a string pulling your head up
Place one hand on your chest, one on your belly.
Take a deep breath in through your nose (4 counts), hold (4 counts), exhale through your mouth (6 counts).
Say to yourself:
“I am safe. I can do hard things. I belong here.”
Even if it feels silly, your nervous system needs cues of safety. This is how you shift out of survival mode.
3. Use Parts Work to Stay Centered
If you’re familiar with IFS (Internal Family Systems), this is a perfect moment to get curious about the parts of you that feel anxious.
Ask yourself:
What part of me is scared to see them?
Is this part trying to protect me from embarrassment, rejection, shame?
Can I be with that part, instead of pushing it away?
What can I offer this part, to provide it with compassion and comfort
When you make space for your parts instead of battling them, you create room for Self-energy — the calm, confident, connected version of you that can walk in with ease.
4. Remind Yourself: You Don’t Owe Them a Performance
You’re not there to prove anything. You don’t need to look “fine,” act “over it,” or show how much you’ve grown just to get a reaction.
That’s exhausting, and it’s not real healing.
What is real?
Choosing to attend because you wanted to.
Letting your presence be enough.
Walking away from conversations that feel icky.
Laughing, connecting, eating something delicious, and being in the moment.
That’s what empowerment looks like.
5. Give Yourself a Soft Landing
After the event, emotions might rise up. That’s okay.
Even if everything went “perfectly,” you might still feel shaky.
Plan something gentle for afterward:
Take a warm shower
Journal about how it went
Vent to a friend
Or sit quietly and honor what that took
You showed up. You faced a fear. That’s huge.
Final Thoughts
Community events can bring up old feelings, especially when you're still grieving or untangling your identity from a past relationship. But they can also be proof of your resilience — your ability to be you, even in the spaces you once shared with someone else.
And if you're navigating breakups, triggers, and the healing that comes with it, you're not alone. I support clients through EMDR and IFS therapy to process the pain, grow from it, and come back to themselves.
Ready to feel calm, confident, and grounded in your post-breakup life?
Let’s connect
Hi! I’m Nicole, Licensed Therapist in California.
I specialize in working with adults wanting to improve their relationships, needing support through a breakup, or wanting to heal their trauma, using Attachment-Focused EMDR and IFS-informed therapy.
