What Am I Allowed to Need? Reclaiming Relationship Needs After Anxious Attachment
If you grew up being praised for being "low-maintenance," "independent," or "easygoing"—you may have learned that having needs makes you a burden. Especially if you're someone with anxious attachment, you might find yourself in relationships wondering: Am I too much? Am I allowed to ask for this? What even counts as a healthy need?
These aren't silly questions. They’re deeply human ones—and incredibly important.
When You've Been Taught to Accept the Bare Minimum
Many people with anxious attachment have early experiences where love felt unpredictable, conditional, or inconsistent. Maybe one moment a caregiver was warm and available, and the next distant or overwhelmed. In those moments, you may have internalized a belief: If I have needs, I might lose love.
So what happens? You shrink. You learn to quiet your voice. You settle for breadcrumbs. And when someone offers you even basic respect or attention, it can feel like you're asking for too much just by wanting more.
But here's the truth: wanting more doesn’t make you needy. It makes you aware. And having needs doesn’t make you unworthy—it makes you human.
What Healthy Relationships Actually Need
If you're working toward becoming more securely attached, here are just a few things you're absolutely allowed to need in a relationship:
Consistency – Emotional safety comes from knowing what to expect. You deserve partners who show up reliably, not leave you guessing.
Reassurance – Especially when healing from old wounds, it’s okay to need reminders that you’re safe, loved, and not being abandoned.
Communication – Healthy love includes open, honest dialogue—not silence, stonewalling, or walking on eggshells.
Affection – Whether physical or emotional, connection thrives through intentional closeness.
Clarity – You deserve to know where you stand—not to be left in confusion or ambiguity.
Being prioritized – You’re allowed to matter to the people you care about. You don’t have to prove your worth to earn a spot in someone’s life.
The space to process – You’re allowed to bring up your fears, your past, your triggers—without being made to feel crazy or dramatic.
Learning to Receive What You Deserve
For many with anxious attachment, learning to receive love is the hardest part. We’re so used to working for it, chasing it, or over-giving in hopes it will be returned. But secure relationships ask something different of us: the courage to stay still and trust we are already enough.
Healing looks like slowing down when your nervous system screams “fix this now.”
It looks like voicing your needs even if you fear they’ll push someone away.
It looks like choosing partners who meet you with care—not confusion.
A Final Note
If no one ever told you this before:
You are allowed to need.
You are allowed to speak.
You are allowed to want love that feels safe, steady, and warm.
You don’t have to settle anymore.
You are not too much.
You are worthy—just as you are.
If this resonates with you and you're curious about how therapy can help you heal anxious attachment and build secure relationships, you're not alone. I help adults work through heartbreak, understand their patterns, and reclaim their worth. Learn more here.
Hi! I’m Nicole Licensed Therapist in California.
I specialize in working with adult wanting to improve their relationships, need support through a breakup, or heal their trauma, using Attachment-Focused EMDR and IFS-informed therapy.
