Why Some People Struggle to Let Go After a Breakup (Even When They Don’t Want Their Ex Back)
Over the last year, as I’ve leaned more deeply into my work as a breakup therapist, I’ve noticed a clear pattern emerge among the clients I support. While everyone experiences heartbreak differently, there is one group that consistently captures my attention: people who don’t want their ex back—and yet still feel painfully stuck, sometimes more than a year after the relationship ended.
They’re not fantasizing about reconciliation. They’re not waiting for a text. They’re often clear that the relationship wasn’t right.
And still… they can’t seem to let go.
So why does this happen?
Breakup Healing Isn’t About the Other Person-It’s About What the Relationship Represented
One of the biggest misconceptions about breakups is that lingering pain means lingering love. In reality, many clients who struggle to let go aren’t attached to their ex—they’re attached to what the relationship symbolized.
For some, the relationship represented:
A sense of safety or stability
Hope for the future (marriage, family, “finally being chosen”)
A version of themselves they liked better
Proof that they were lovable or worthy
When the relationship ends, it’s not just the person who’s gone—it’s the future they imagined, the identity they held, and the emotional regulation the relationship provided. Letting go can feel less like moving on and more like losing a part of yourself.
Attachment Wounds Get Activated-Even If the Relationship Wasn’t Healthy
From an attachment perspective, breakups often activate much older wounds. Especially for people with anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles, the nervous system doesn’t interpret the breakup as a simple ending—it experiences it as threat.
Even when someone logically knows, “This wasn’t the right person for me,” their body may still be holding onto:
Fear of abandonment
Fear of being alone
Fear that this was their “only chance”
This creates an internal tug-of-war: the rational mind wants to move forward, while the nervous system stays stuck in survival mode. That’s why time alone doesn’t always heal these breakups.
The Grief Is Complicated-and Often Unacknowledged
Many of these clients experience what I call ambiguous grief. There’s no funeral, no clear ritual, no socially recognized timeline. Friends may say things like:
“You’re still not over that?”
or
“But you didn’t even want them back.”
This can lead people to judge themselves, suppress their grief, or feel ashamed for still hurting. But unresolved grief doesn’t disappear—it goes underground. It shows up as rumination, emotional numbness, anxiety, or a feeling of being “stuck.”
Parts of You Are Still Holding On-for Protection
From a parts-based lens (like IFS), it’s often not you who can’t let go—it’s a part of you.
A part that believes:
“If I fully let go, I’ll fall apart.”
“If I stop thinking about this, it means it didn’t matter.”
“If I move on, I’ll get hurt again.”
These parts aren’t trying to sabotage healing; they’re trying to protect you from pain they’ve experienced before. Until they’re acknowledged and supported, they’ll keep looping the same thoughts and emotions—long after the breakup is over.
Why Talk Therapy Sometimes Isn’t Enough
Many of my clients have already talked their breakup to death—with friends, family, even previous therapists. They understand what happened. They know the red flags. They know why it ended.
But insight alone doesn’t resolve what’s stored in the body and nervous system.
This is where trauma-informed approaches like EMDR and attachment-focused work become powerful. Instead of rehashing the story, we help the brain and body process what never fully completed—allowing emotional charge, longing, and pain to finally release.
Letting Go Isn’t About Forgetting-It’s About Integration
Healing doesn’t mean the relationship didn’t matter. It doesn’t mean you failed. It doesn’t mean you chose wrong.
Letting go means the relationship no longer defines you, dysregulates you, or keeps you emotionally tethered to the past.
If you’ve been telling yourself, “I should be over this by now,” I want you to hear this clearly:
You’re not broken. You’re not weak. And you’re not stuck forever.
Sometimes what looks like “not letting go” is actually a deeper layer of healing asking to be seen.
A Gentle Next Step If You’re Ready to Let Go-But Your Body Isn’t
If you found yourself nodding along while reading this, you’re not alone—and you don’t need to force yourself to “move on” or try harder to heal.
This year, I’m creating a self-paced breakup healing course specifically for people who want to let go—but feel stuck because their attachment system and nervous system won’t cooperate.
This course will include:
Nervous system–based tools to calm the body when it keeps pulling you back
Attachment-informed guidance to understand why letting go feels so hard
Gentle exercises to help parts of you feel safe enough to release
Practical steps to reduce rumination, emotional looping, and longing
Support for grieving the future you imagined—without staying stuck in it
This isn’t about forcing closure, forgetting your ex, or bypassing your pain. It’s about giving your mind and body what they actually need so letting go can happen naturally.
If traditional advice hasn’t worked for you, this may be the missing piece.
More details coming soon!!
If you’re navigating a breakup and feel ready to release the emotional hold it still has on you—without forcing yourself to “move on”—this course was created with you in mind.
